The Past and Pending

August 22, 2012 at 12:35am


There was nothing we didn’t do.

We came alive as soon as the sun went down and stayed out, stomping pebbles deeper into the cracks of the streets until the sun greeted us again.

Briana loved Rich but Rich loved Amanda. I think they got really high one time and loved each other all at one time. No one ever talked about it. Did they even remember that it had happened?

Probably felt like a dream.

It’s not that we didn’t have homes or families or pets. In fact, for the most part, we had normal childhoods, we had loving parents, we had jobs and money and credit cards and phones that were smarter than we were. Maybe that was the problem. We were so un-fucked-up that we focused on trying to make ourselves as fucked up as possible with what resources we had:

Love, hate, gin, Jameson, spliffs, cigarettes, bumps, tabs, shots.

Everything but the needles, am I right?

On nights when we felt like drowning in each other, we would walk down to The Grand and spend all of our laundry matt quarters on games of pool. The boys would bet money, the girls would let the boys step up behind them and “show” them how to hold their pool sticks.

Those nights were always the best and the worst. Those nights meant getting kicked out at three and hardly being about to walk home because we were so drunk. Money lost, spirits low, everyone quiet. Everything quiet.

Looking back now, we seemed less like people. We seemed less like others who had warm blood under their skin and spit in their mouths. Looking back now, all I can think about is how full of nothing we really were… Ragdolls, just stuffed with senseless white nothing that came out so easily when life took us in its teeth and shook us like a dog.


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